We have all been there. Your partner is talking and your mind is somewhere else. Suddenly, they're upset that you weren't listening. Or perhaps you have now said your partner's name three times, and yet they are still non-responsive staring at their phone. It's wild how something so "small" can be so bothersome. When not attended to, we can feel sad, rejected, alone, or even unworthy. Think about the last time you have felt ignored by someone important to you when you were trying to connect. How did it feel? Even small moments of being ignored can make us feel distant from one another. These moments illustrate the importance of bids. It goes without saying that this is not exclusive to romantic relationships. Bids are connectors in all relationships including friendships and family relationships. Understanding and responding to bids can make us better partners, parents, family members, and friends.
What are Bids?
Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, refers to bids as units of connection. They are simply requests to connect. They can be small, big, funny, serious, or playful. They can be verbal or nonverbal. They can seem small but serve as important opportunities to build emotional intimacy and understanding.
Examples of Real Life Bids:
A partner saying "good morning"
A partner asking, "How was your day?"
Sharing a joke or humorous anecdote
Seeking reassurance or comfort during times of stress
A playful slap of the butt (yep, we all know that one)
A squeeze of the hand
Laughing about something that isn't obvious
Crying
Sighing
Sharing a frustration about the day
A child showing a toy with you
A child holding their arms up for you to pick them up
A child "signing" more for food
A child saying "can you play with me?"
Recognizing and Responding to Bids
We respond to bids in three key ways:
Turning away: Not responding at all or responding neutrally or dismissively. This can signal disinterest or distraction. Turning away can be unintentional and is very common.
For example, your typically withdrawn teenager walks into the kitchen and sits at the table while you are cooking. If you are like me and can't cook, you are so distracted with following your recipe exactly that you don't consider that this is a bid. Your teen usually stays to themselves in their room or the living room. The fact that they are sitting in the same room as you could be a bid--they desire to connect.
Another example: You are some engrossed in your social media feeds that you zone out when your partner is telling you about their day and miss half of what they said.
Turning against: Responding negatively or critically, which may escalate conflict or create emotional distance. This includes things like rejecting a hug or invitation to spend time, or arguing or criticizing/making hurtful comments.
For example, a partner asks if you want to go on a date, if you are feeling angry with that partner for not having "dated" you in a while, you might say "Since when do you care about taking me on a date?"
Another example: Your 4-year-old comes to you asking you to play. You are exhausted and really need time to yourself. You get frustrated and say to your partner "Can you play with him? I am so tired and need a break" in front of the child. We have all been there! This is turning against.
Turning towards: Responding positively by engaging, showing interest, or reciprocating affection. This includes things like asking questions, melting into a hug, making eye contact and nodding, or giving a hug.
Example: You respond to your withdrawn teenager's bid of sitting in the kitchen by simply saying "Hi."
Example: You put your phone down, face down, while your partner is telling you about their day.
Example: When your partner asks you on a date (months too late, and even though you are still mad about it), you agree to go and try to resist a sarcastic comment. You try to acknowledge the effort they are making now.
Example: When your 4-year-old asks to play, and you really need that break, look them in the eye and say "I'd love to play with you, and I also need to rest for a moment. Can I play with you in thirty minutes? Can we set a timer? What would you like to play?"
Barriers to Responding to Bids
As detailed by the examples above, we are all busy and usually dealing with some source of stress which can impact our ability to respond to bids. This has been exacerbated since COVID-19 and an increase in working from home. It can be difficult to separate our work life from our personal life, which causes us to be more distracted. Pre-existing strain on a relationship can also impact our ability to respond to bids. If we are already distant from or upset with our loved ones, we may not feel inclined to respond to bids. Our guard may be up (turning away). Or we may feel "spiky" and jab at our loved ones when they put out bids (turning against). Think about a time where you might have been distracted and a friend or partner felt ignored. What was going on for you?
We can be proactive about these common barriers by trying our best to set boundaries around work and home life. Setting screen limits can be a (challenging) but simple way to increase ability to respond to bids. Leave your phone in another room for an hour or two when spending time with family. If you must work on the weekends, look at what hours you have free and ask how you can disconnect (putting the laptop away, reminding yourself that work will be there Monday, set strict limits on the time you spend working while at home, and communicate this to your loved ones so they understand the parameters).
Impact on Relationship Dynamics
How we respond to bids significantly influences relationship quality. Research on couples has shown that turning toward bids predicts relationship length and satisfaction. Consistently turning towards bids strengthens emotional bonds and fosters trust, intimacy, and satisfaction. Conversely, frequent turning away or against bids diminishes emotional connection, potentially leading to feelings of rejection or misunderstanding. Of course, couples who are struggling may not want to respond to bids. When people are hurting they turn away or against each other.
Bid responsiveness mitigates conflict by fostering understanding and respect in resolving disagreements. Of course, sometimes long-standing conflicts can impair a couple's ability to respond to bids. If you've tried working through this on your own and haven't been successful. Consider scheduling a session with the couples therapist.
Steps to Start Increasing Your Response to Bids
Awareness: It all starts with awareness. Notice your partner's bids. You might be tempted to notice bids that they don't respond to. This is a natural occurrence when you become more aware of bids. Be patient and acknowledge that they may not have as much awareness about this as you do. Experiment with responding to their bids first before expecting them to do the same. This can have a positive cascade effect on your and their responsiveness.
Identify an Initial Goal: Set a SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound) goal. For example: When my partner calls me when out of town to talk at the end of the day (specific). At least 75% of the time (measurable), if I am free (attainable and realistic), I will pick up the phone and stop what I am doing and listen for at least ten minutes. I will aim to do this for one week, and notice how it impacts our relationships (time-bound).
Implementation: When you respond to your partner's bid, give it your full attention. Put your phone away. Stay in the hug for a little bit longer. Make eye contact and paraphrase what they say to check your understanding.
Conclusion
Bids are opportunities for enhancing emotional connection and relationship satisfaction. By recognizing and positively responding to bids, you can nurture deeper intimacy and resilience in your relationship. If you're struggling to implement bid responsiveness in your relationship or find that conflict or resentment is getting in the way, consider consulting with a professional. Reach out to receive referrals to couple's therapists we recommend.
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