When a child is born, so is a parent. It's not difficult to imagine that the process of childbirth is life-changing. Of course, the birthing parent has undergone significant transformation (physically and psychologically) and needs all of the support they can get. However, many times the experiences of the non-birthing parent (e.g., a father, another mother, a nonbinary parent, or an adoptive parent) are overlooked. Although I agree that the birthing partner does need immense support--I argue that addressing the experiences and needs of the non-birthing parent are essential in their own right--and ultimately will also benefit the birthing parent and the child. Here are my tips for non-birthing parents.
Just some cute baby feet so we don't forget the joys among the chaos
Understanding the Unique Experience of Non-Birthing Parents:
I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room. As a birthing parent myself, I can relate to to the thought of "Well, doesn't the birthing parent have it harder? Shouldn't we be focusing on them?" This question lives in a lot of our minds--especially those of us who have given birth. Yes, of course we should focus on them. However, these issues are not mutually exclusive. It's not a competition and it doesn't have to be. We can care for both parents' experiences.
So, for a moment, if you struggle with some judgment while considering what you need as a nonbirthing parent. Let's set that judgment aside. I want to share some practical tips that might help you navigate the postpartum period...from the delivery room and beyond.
Planning for the Delivery
This may seem like a small thing, but planning for the delivery is a proactive strategy for increasing comfort/reducing your stress at the hospital. You may already have thought about what you can do for your partner (packing their bag, being ready to transport, finding someone to pet-sit, texting friends to update, etc.), but I want you to think about what will help you feel supported and level-headed when it's go-time.
First, pack YOUR bag. Make sure you bring snacks and beverages you like, YOUR medications/supplements, toothbrush, other toiletries you need, and any other comforts like lotion etc. I recommend bringing a pillow and blanket that might help you sleep better in the hospital. The sleeping arrangements are not comfortable, so whatever can help you get better sleep, bring it. Sleep is your ally! Relatedly, consider with your partner whether you would like to start taking "shifts" at the hospital when the baby arrives (one partner can sleep while the other feeds etc). But be flexible with this; you won't know what works best for you until you're there.
Talk with your partner about some of the decisions that happen post-birth. Do you want to cut the umbilical cord? Does partner want you to stay up with them when feeding the baby or do you want to take shifts? Do you want baby to spend a little time in the nursery so you can both rest? Making some of these decisions beforehand can reduce decision fatigue in those first hours.
On a related note, something that you shouldn't have to think about--is how you might cope with staff who may not be affirming. For example, if you are transmasculine and the staff refer to you as "mom" (when you don't identify as such) or with the wrong pronouns, how would you like to respond to that? Of if you are a mom and staff assume you are another family member or a sister, how do you want to handle that? What are your needs/boundaries? There are many other microaggressions that could occur that could be upsetting and distract from the birth. I hope that this doesn't happen, but thinking about how you'd like to respond might help you feel prepared. Even if you don't want to say something to the staff, is there something you can say to yourself or do (e.g., deep breathing/grounding/affirmations) to care for yourself in that moment? Your family and role as a parent are valid. Please remember, that if a staff member is unwelcoming and hostile towards you, you can request a new nurse and can ask to speak to a patient advocate.
Finally, after the birth, baby and birthing partner will probably spend a lot of time together. Especially if your partner is nursing. Don't hesitate to hold the baby when feeding is over. You can take over diaper changing and holding the baby while birthing partner rests. Get some skin-to-skin time with the baby. This will help you bond and start to feel comfortable in your role as a parent. This will also be very supportive to your partner. Your partner will likely be struggling with various forms of physical and psychological discomfort. They may lean on you more and rely on you much more than ever. You might feel stress or pressure. You now have a baby and your partner is so vulnerable. It can be quite scary. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to struggle. This is where I encourage you to make space for those feelings, remember this is temporary, lean into coping skills you've developed (e.g., slow breathing, grounding, take it one step at a time), and....
2. Build and Use your Support Network!
While in the Hospital: If you are struggling with any strong emotions, text or call a friend. It's okay to step away after the chaos simmers down to talk to someone. Let someone take care of you, even if just for a moment. Nurses will be in and out of the room checking on baby and your partner. It's okay to take some time to have someone check on you! Remember, doing this will help you support your family too. If you find a nurse you connect with, ask them questions. Nurses are a wealth of information. They can teach you how to change the baby, swaddle, feed, and bathe. They can help you feel more comfortable in your new role.
After Hospital: You will be very busy adjusting to your new life. During the first few weeks, it can feel like your whole world has toppled over. That's normal. Stay connected with those you love. They want to be there for you. Some people may not reach out because perhaps they don't understand the stress of postpartum or perhaps they are giving you space. Take initiative to reach out to the ones you love/trust to maintain that support. Postpartum can be an isolating experience, even for the nonbirthing parent. Treat social connection as just as important as food or water. Get a little bit of it each day through some texts, facetime, or a phone call (or having a visitor, when you are comfortable).
Another consideration is whether you and your partner want a support person to stay at your house for the first week or so. Many parents worry about illness, and this is understandable; however, having a trusted grandparent or a friend who can help with baby/household duties can be immensely helpful in the first week. Consider this with your partner.
3. Communicate with Healthcare Providers:
If you are struggling with strong emotions, schedule a visit with your therapist. It's okay to take 45 minutes to take care of your mental health. Everyone wins when you allow someone to take care of you.
You might also consider talking with your therapist and prescriber about medication. It's okay to enlist the support of a medication if symptoms arise.
Eight to ten percent of nonbirthing partners develop perinatal mood or anxiety disorders. These disorders are characterized by depressive and anxiety symptoms that are distressing and impairing a person's well-being. Most people only associate these symptoms with the birthing parent--but nonbirthing parents can experience these symptoms too. Please reach out to your care providers to discuss any onset of symptoms and treatment needs.
If you are experiencing suicidal or homicidal thoughts, or are seeing/hearing things or believing things about your baby that make you want to harm them, this is a medical emergency and you should reach out 911 or go to your nearest emergency department. These thoughts can be managed and treated. Note that these thoughts are different from intrusive thoughts that can be thoughts such as "I hope I don't drop the baby" or "what if XYZ happens to the baby." These thoughts are not usually a medical emergency but do need to be treated. Reach out to your care provider.
4. Nurture your Body, and be Kind to your Body
The postpartum period is physically demanding. You may forget to eat or hydrate. You will not have as much time to work out. You may eat less healthily. Stress begets all kinds of different reactions with it comes to eating, movement, and caring for ourselves.
I encourage you to be proactive. Have water available to you at all times. Meal prepping before baby arrives can help you eat on a schedule without too much thought or effort. If friends offer a meal train, take it! If someone asks you what you need, ask for food. They want to help, take the offer! Now is not the time to be modest :). Take a shower or a bath once a day. Trade off with your partner to do this. It might be tempting to forgo it, because you are tired and surviving. But caring for your body in these ways will help you feel human and connected with yourself.
If your body changes during this time (e.g., weight loss or gain), and this bothers you, be kind to yourself. You have gone through an enormous life change. Your body responding to this change is not a failing. It is you being human. If you have significant changes in weight or appetite, consult with your doctor.
5. Turn Towards your Partner
The birth of a child introduces a great deal of stress into a relationship. Most couples struggle with the birth of a child, it does not necessarily mean that you are not right for each other and does not mean you are failing. You are both responding to an enormous change in your life. Two have become three!
Approach problems with you partner as if you are turning towards them. Watch for any turning away or pushing against. Listen to your partner's needs and check your understanding with them ("What I'm hearing is you need...XYZ"). Express your own needs. Focusing on understanding each other first, before problem-solving, can help you connect and bond. You might miss your partner. They might spend a great deal of time with the baby. You may not have moments alone like you used to, due to taking turns with sleep. That's okay. It will get better. This is a phase.
If you find that there is increased hostility in your relationship, don't hesitate to reach out to a couples therapist to help put out the flames before the escalate into a fire. Again, bringing in a child into a relationship is stressful. It's okay to ask for support
Conclusion:
These are some of my tips for being proactive during the postpartum period as a nonbirthing partner to take care of yourself. If reading this blog scared you a bit, that's understandable! I threw a lot of information at you. Remember that even amongst all the chaos and change--there is so much joy. As a parent myself who struggled in the postpartum period, I understand feeling joy and grief at once when welcoming a child. Like with any life change, you will adjust with time and find your new normal. I hope you are able to soak up the snuggles and ride the waves. Sending you all the good vibes in your journey.
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