Does this sound like you? Even though you are certain of your gender or sexual orientation, you might have negative feelings about this or try to push it to the back of your mind. Or perhaps you feel good about your identity, yet you feel “behind.” You judge yourself for coming out in some situations, but staying in the closet in other situations. This can be quite frustrating. After all, you’ve done a lot of work to acknowledge aspects of your gender and sexuality that in the past may have been impossible. You may compare your own coming out process to others. You see others who are “loud and proud,” and who seem free and happy with their lives. You then look at your own experience and wonder “What’s wrong with me?”
Before judging yourself for what feels like a failure or a setback related to your sexual orientation or gender, let’s take some time to place these experiences into a broader context. Instead of attributing these differences to some failing or deficit on your part, let’s consider what stage of identity development you might be in and how this could play a role.
Stages of Identity Development
We all have developing identities. Everyone goes through gender and sexual orientation identity development. However, given our homophobic and transphobic society, these stages of development can be more arduous for LGBTQ individuals. Nonetheless, these stages of development are normal and a part of the human experience.
Identity development refers to how our sense of self shifts over the lifespan in response to psychological and social factors. Erik Erikson (1980) proposed the most well-known theory of overall identity development and proposed that at each stage of our identity development, we face a challenge that requires resolution. Successful resolution leads to feelings of effectiveness/confidence, whereas a lack of resolution can lead to negative feelings about the self and a sense of helplessness or ineffectiveness.
Over the years, many theories of sexual orientation (Cass, 1979; D'Augelli, 1994; Troiden, 1989) and gender identity formation (Kuper et al., 2018) have been proposed. Common, overarching stages that emerge among these theories include the Exploration, Understanding, Acceptance/Pride, and Integration Stages. I will cover two major theories of sexual orientation and gender identity development as examples and summarize some qualitative research related to these theories.
1. Cass's Model of Sexual Orientation Identity Formation (1979)
Cass’s model is a foundational theory of sexual orientation identity development. Since Cass’s model focuses on sexual orientation, the stages below primarily focus on sexual orientation. However, these stages could likely generalize to gender identity development as well.
Identity Confusion: Individuals experience confusion and uncertainty about their sexual orientation. They may feel like they are different but may not have the words to describe this difference. They may have the words but are vigilant to others’ perspectives on whether being LGBTQ+ is “right or wrong.”
Identity Comparison: Individuals in this stage have a sense that they are LGBTQ+ but are frequently comparing themselves to society’s norms and expectations. As a result, and depending on their environment, they may feel different or inadequate. This can lead to them viewing their sexual orientation as a liability. They may judge themselves for being different or may feel inadequate.
“…growing up, it was a very constant struggle of always wanting to change it, trying to fix it, wanting to... deny that identity. Deny those attractions and deny those feelings” (Parmenter et al., 2022).
Identity Tolerance: Individuals in this stage begin to accept and “tolerate” their sexual orientation. They are no longer oscillating between “am I or am I not” thoughts related to their identity. They have acknowledged their sexual orientation, and this can be relieving.
“...I can’t express the relief I felt... this whole time I had thought there was something wrong with me, and now finally I had a name for it and the knowledge there were others like me...” (Mohammed, 2019).
But they may not fully embrace it in their day-to-day life. They do not necessarily experience their sexual orientation as a positive aspect of their identity. They are no longer pushing it away but may continue to feel weighed down by it.
Identity Acceptance: Individuals in this stage have moved from merely tolerating their identity to a more neutral stance. They do not dislike this aspect of their identity or feel burdened by it. Instead, they are comfortable with this being an aspect of their identity. It does not impact their self-esteem or confidence. However, they do not necessarily have a positive stance either; for example, they may not experience pride.
Identity Pride: Individuals in this stage are moving from a neutral stance towards their identity to a more positive stance. They are proud of their sexual orientation and celebrate it. They may be more open about their identity. They feel joy and confidence in themselves with respect to their identity, and they have not yet integrated their sexual orientation into their broader identity. For example, they may continue to struggle with reconciling their religious identity and their sexual orientation.
Identity Synthesis: Sexual orientation becomes an integral part of self-concept, leading to a sense of authenticity and fulfillment. This may mean integrating sexual orientation with other aspects of one’s identity (e.g., religious identity). One no longer feels a great deal of conflict around their identity with other parts of their identity (e.g., religion).
“Eventually I think I just kinda made a decision of like “ya know what... I believe in this God... who was more merciful and who intended for me to be this way. And he loves me for who I am. So I am going to accept that.” (Parmenter et al., 2022)
During this stage, individuals feel more comfortable leading with their sexual orientation in some contexts, and activism may be more prominent in their life:
“I’m in a position where... I can own it and have it be more central. It really drives a lot of my interests and values, I guess. So, I spend a lot of time doing like activism.” (Parmenter et al., 2022)
It should be noted that in this later stage, everyone is different in terms of how much priority their sexual identity has in their day-to-day lives. For example, one research participant noted:
“I don’t think it’s so important to my identity that everyone knows that I’m gay...if I had to describe myself in so many words, I’m not sure that gay would be the first or second or sixth word I would use. But that said, I do see myself as someone who is gay.” (Parmenter et al., 2022).
One caveat! “Stage” theories have been criticized in recent years because they can neglect nuances of intersecting identities and can also imply that identity development is completely linear. This is often not the case for individuals, as one can oscillate between stages depending on many environmental factors (e.g., social support, external stressors such as discrimination and violence). Therefore, it’s important to be kind to yourself if you feel like you are moving back and forth between stages.
2. Kuper, Wright, and Mustanski’s Model of Gender Identity Formation (2018)
This model moves beyond a “stage” theory but shares many similarities with Cass’s model when considering gender identity development. Kuper and colleagues interviewed transgender and “gender nonconforming” adults to develop a gender development model. First, they summarize various dimensions of the gendered self which may shift through developmental stages: Gender identity, physical self-image, gender presentation, and gender expression.
Gender identity: This is an individual’s internal sense of gender.
Physical self-image: This refers to one’s relationship with their body, including primary and secondary sex characteristics as well as overall body size and shape.
Gender presentation: This represents an individual’s desired clothing as well as other easily changed aspects of their appearance, such as hair and make-up.
Gender expression: This refers to individual’s interests, activities, interactions with others, and personality traits that are linked to gender by the individual themselves or society.
Second, they describe four processes that an individual moves through as they develop their identity across these gender-related dimensions.
Awareness: Awareness is the simple acknowledgement of one’s gender (whether it be identity, self-image, presentation, and/or expression). This oftentimes developed in response to seeing others of a similar gender. For example, a trans woman described how she felt the first time she saw another transgender woman on a train “I was just amazed, I just looked at her, I just kept staring at her…” (Kuper et al. 2018). Another participant described being called various pronouns in college, which led him to experience a salient awareness of his gender, followed by distress that he was not living authentically as himself (Kuper et al., 2018). Some individuals may experience more distress than they might expect during this stage, as the physical and social transition processes are not “catching up” with one’s awareness of their identity. For example, one trans woman described her awareness of her gender as occurring “overnight” but then she was frustrated that she could not fully embrace this identity due to the slowness of effects of hormones.
Exploration. This involves a level of reflection and consideration of how one may authentically experience, express, and present their gender. This stage can involve pushing against and moving towards one’s felt sense of gender. The depth of this exploration can be strongly influenced by outside factors. For example, a rejecting family can quickly thwart efforts to explore one’s gender. For example, one participant (a transgender woman) described not exploring her gender very much for fear of her mother’s reaction.
Meaning making. Some, but not all trans individuals, may engage in meaning-making. This is to make sense of their gender identity. This can involve coming to some understanding of when they first knew themselves to be trans or why they may have only known themselves to be trans later in life. For example, one participant explained that they believed they somehow “got used” to being female when they felt more male. Another participant reflected on prior transphobic beliefs and behaviors and understood those beliefs/behaviors to be a defensive reaction—an attempt to distance themselves from their gender and the fears associated with it. In this stage, individuals may begin to recognize their gender as being on a spectrum and begin to appreciate the wide range of diversity in gender that has existed over time. This can serve as destigmatizing and allows the individual to move towards pride.
Integration. Much like Cass’s model, this stage involves reconciling one’s gender identity with other aspects of their identity. In this stage, one reaches some acceptance and pride in oneself, and begins to experience less conflict with other identities. Before or early in this stage, one may struggle with the slowness of physical and social transition steps. Trans men participants expressed disappointment with a “second puberty” and feeling like a young boy. They also described some challenges with being treated as male and how to adjust to being expected to fall into masculine expectations (e.g., “the boys’ club”). Others mourn the loss of or changes within their broader community. For example, a trans participant described experiencing rejection in their bisexual community but that, with time, they developed an internal belief that being trans and bisexual could co-exist, and that the discrimination within their community did not invalidate their existence. Another example involves integrating one’s religious identity with their trans identity “God made me in his image.” (Kuper et al., 2018).
Summary
Research supports that individuals move to and from stages of development throughout their lifetime, and this applies to gender and sexual identity development.
These stages are not linear and are influenced by many factors that are outside of our control (e.g., political environment, family support, work culture, upbringing).
If you believe you are arriving “late to the party” or are struggling with some negative feelings about yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself for this struggle.
This is incredibly common.
It probably has something to do with the stage of development you are in, which is a normative process influenced by our culture.
It’s not a race. You are moving towards authenticity with every stage you work through. Through no fault of your own, you are grappling with societal stigma and pressures with each stage.
Fish don’t know they are swimming in water—so if you are becoming more aware of your identity and exploring it despite the immense societal pressures that surround us—you are doing amazing!
Everyone’s circumstances are unique. As illustrated by some of the quotes from research participants above, everyone may have different experiences in each stage depending on various aspects of their identity and environment.
Hopefully, now that you are more aware of these processes, you can be more patient with yourself. Allow yourself the time to move through these stages. Look at each struggle or conflict you are having as an opportunity to learn something about yourself and develop a new strength (or superpower!). Each stage of development comes with a challenge and finding a way to resolve/cope with it healthily will pay dividends for you. Utilize therapy and community support to find ways to overcome these challenges.
References:
Cass, V. C. (1979). Homosexual identity formation: A theoretical model. Journal of Homosexuality, 4(3), 219-235.
D'Augelli, A. R. (1994). Identity development and sexual orientation: Toward a model of lesbian, gay, and bisexual development. In E. J. Trickett, R. J. Watts, & D. Birman (Eds.), Human diversity: Perspectives on people in context (pp. 312-333). Jossey-Bass.
Kuper, L. E., Wright, L., & Mustanski, B. (2018). Gender identity development among transgender and gender nonconforming emerging adults: An intersectional approach. International Journal of Transgenderism, 19(4), 436-455.
Mohammed, A. (2019). A qualitative report exploring the factors that impact the formation and development of sexual identity.
Parmenter, J. G., Galliher, R. V., Yaugher, A. C., & Maughan, A. D. (2022). Intersectionality and identity configurations: A qualitative study exploring sexual identity development among emerging adults within the United States. Emerging Adulthood, 10(2), 372-385.
Troiden, R. R. (1989). The formation of homosexual identities. Journal of Homosexuality, 17(1-2), 43-73.